The Victim Mindset

Last night, I was reading Dr. Julie Smith’s book Open When…, where she talks about navigating difficult moments and learning how to process our emotions in real time. Every chapter has a section called “real-time tools” ,simple, practical strategies you can use the second something feels overwhelming.

What I noticed is how simple these tools actually are.
Not easy… but simple.

And the more I read, the more I realized how much easier life becomes when we apply even one of these tools consistently. It’s like a domino effect: you regulate one small reaction, you breathe through one moment of stress, you choose awareness over autopilot just once, and suddenly everything else becomes more manageable.

But the key is awareness.

You can’t change something you don’t realize is happening.
You can’t repair a behavior you don’t know you have.
You can’t communicate better if you’re not aware of what you’re feeling in the first place.

And that’s the root of so many conflicts and misunderstandings:
one person , or sometimes both, has no awareness that something they did was hurtful or even noticeable. They’re reacting from habit, emotion, or past conditioning without realizing it.

And here’s the part that made me stop and think:
If the tools to feel better are so simple… why do we still act like life is a never-ending drama series where we’re the main character suffering, then remain in a constant loop? Because staying stuck is… comfortable.
Not good, but comfortable.
If everything is happening to us, then we don’t have to change anything. Zero effort required. No accountability. No “hmm maybe that was actually my fault.”
Ego saved. Emotions avoided.

And honestly, sometimes the drama is kind of… entertaining?
When we’re bored, stressed, or low-key unhappy with ourselves, the tiniest inconvenience becomes a full emotional plot twist. It’s chaotic, but at least it’s not boring. No? Think of a time you dramatized a situation just because you felt bored, or was feeling insecure. Now think how often this happens? If you think too often, then maybe you need some more introspection.

Sometimes, however, it is possible that we genuinely don’t realize we’re doing it. It’s just your body is on autopilot. We react the same way we always have because we’ve never stopped to notice the pattern.

Awareness is the key.
You can’t fix what you don’t see.
But once you do see it? The tools will start making sense. When you break it down, most emotional patterns aren’t actually complex. What’s complex is noticing them in real time and not adding extra layers of stress to them. When you combine those two skills, things shift quickly.

When we’re not aware of what’s happening internally, we overreact externally. Here’s a simple life example:

Let’s say you haven’t been to the gym in a few weeks. You’ve been tired, a bit stressed, not feeling like yourself. You don’t feel as strong, your clothes feel different, and your confidence is slightly off, nothing major, just that quiet insecurity that sits in the background. Then one night, you’re with someone you love, your partner, friend, whoever, and they make a tiny comment like:
“You seem a little off today.” Ah isn’t that adding fuel to the fire. But technically, all it is, is a neutral comment.

But because you already feel insecure, tired, or disconnected from yourself, your brain hears “you’re slacking”, “you’re not doing enough”. And suddenly, you react. You get defensive, emotional, cold. Now the other person is confused, because in their reality, they literally said nothing wrong, they were just checking in. Then the next thing you know, you’re arguing.

It’s not the gym break that caused the fight.
It’s not the comment.
It’s the unseen emotional buildup you weren’t aware of. This is where awareness becomes everything. Awareness would’ve stopped the chain reaction. If you had recognized your emotional state, you wouldn’t have projected it onto the other person or blamed them for what was actually happening inside you.

Here’s another example that shows what the victim mindset looks like in real life:

Imagine someone who grew up with a parent who was inconsistent, sometimes supportive, sometimes distant, sometimes overwhelmed. So just being human right? Nothing extreme or traumatic, but enough that this person never really felt guided or encouraged.

Now they’re in their twenties or thirties, trying to build their life. They want a better job, better habits, more stability… but things aren’t moving. They procrastinate, avoid decisions, and feel stuck.

Instead of looking at what they can do today, their mind goes here:
“Well, of course I’m failing. Look at how I grew up.”
“My parents never taught me discipline.”
“I didn’t get the same opportunities.”
“It’s not my fault my life is like this.”

And at first glance, it sounds logical. Their past did shape them. Their childhood did impact their habits. That part is real. I’m not ignoring this part. But here’s where the victim mindset quietly takes over:
They start using their past as a full explanation, a full excuse, for everything happening now. Their past becomes the reason they stay exactly where they are. And even though their upbringing gave them good qualities ,discipline, structure, values, the victim narrative becomes easier than actually taking responsibility today. But the truth is, the rules aren’t there anymore.
No one is forcing them to wake up early, or judging them for failing, or telling them what to do.

The only thing holding them back now is the story they’re still telling themselves. They’re limited by the meaning they attached to their childhood. Awareness would sound like:
“My parents shaped me, yes, but I’m the one responsible for what I do now.”

That’s the moment where the victim mindset dissolves and growth actually begins.

Awareness and simplicity, the real power couple behind a grounded and a non dramatic life. Unless you actually enjoy the dramatic life and blaming everyone else for your problems… in which case, you’re probably not reading this part anyway, or you’ve found an excuse, or decided I hurt your feelings.

With sincerity, Camelia